Humor and Adoption, an Uneasy Balance
From The Adoption Constellation magazine: “Behind the Scenes”
Humor and Adoption, An Uneasy Balance
Most everything in the world, no matter how poignant, can be viewed through the lens of humor. However, when it comes to adoption, there is sometimes an uncomfortable pause before anyone giggles at the punch line. It’s a pause that seems to ask, “Wait, is it okay to laugh about this?” New rules apply, and it’s hard to know what they are, who is making them, and how they’ll be enforced.
Is it okay to laugh about adoption? If it is, does it matter whether the person telling the joke is a first parent, adoptee, adoptive parent, or someone without any adoption connection? For instance, an adoptee might joke with a wink that he looks uncannily like the next door neighbor, but is that joke still funny if told by an adoptive father about his adopted son? And in a time when the media is still using, “You’re adopted!” as a punch line, should the adoption community be encouraging laughter about adoption?
These are some of the questions that we at The Adoption Constellation asked ourselves as we approached the comic No Refund. The beauty of a short comic strip is that, like a painting or sculpture, it is open to many different interpretations regardless of the artist’s original vision. For instance, the title No Refund can be seen as a tongue-in-cheek commentary on adoption dissolution and disruption. But the title can also be read as a reflection on the paradox of the, at times, exploitative economics of adoption and the lived realities of families built through adoption. Whatever the author’s intent or the reader’s interpretation, the title No Refund is sure to provoke strong reactions. We struggled with whether such a title might offend people to the point that they would not want to engage with this piece at all.
We wondered if the comic would be viewed differently if the title changed or if the illustrations were redrawn. We talked about whether the impact of the comic would change if it were authored by an adoptee, a birth parent or an adoptive parent. We found that we’d shared a common pause when we read the comic, one that problematized the smile tugging at our lips. Wait, was this funny? And if we thought it was, what exactly were the implications of that? If we found it offensive, what did that mean? On the other hand, maybe we all just needed to lighten up.
Our confusion was not surprising given that people have different ideas about humor, just as they have different ideas about art. What is considered funny varies from person to person. In addition, humor serves different purposes in society. While humor has often been utilized to smooth tension, ease communication, and bring people together, it has also historically been used to keep people in their place and create or enforce separation by stigmatizing those outside of an insider group. Humor also has a trangressive side. It allows us to say things that are not polite. It can give voice to uncomfortable truths and shock us out of complacency. As such, humor has often been used as a tool to transform the status quo.
The intersection of humor and adoption requires that we challenge ourselves and push out of our comfort zones. Humor can break down our assumptions and certainty. All we can do is wonder. And in this state of wonder, we are open to new possibilities.
Thinking critically about adoption means we must listen to different voices and build bridges between divergent perspectives. We look at how joy and sorrow intertwine. And we do not settle for easy answers. Because we know that to do so would close down dialogue. As we’re doing this work, can we also welcome levity to the table? Is there a place set for joking? As Sally Moon Lee invites, can we entertain the possibility that there is something to laugh about?
We commit to listening and sitting through the uncomfortable pauses. We stay with each other through the tears—whether they are tears of grief or of laughter. As The Adoption Constellation sets about the work of building bridges, we invite you to wonder alongside us.
