I don’t remember who said it, but I do remember that we all agreed. This was over 3 years ago. We were 5 women sitting around a dining room table having a board meeting, but also just talking about adoption. The term “the triad” (referring to birth parents, adoptees, and adoptive parents) seems to ignore the whole that is adoption. Extended families, adoption professionals, friends and partners are all left out of the equation as if their lives are not affected by adoption.

For convenience sake, we still use the term to refer to the three specific groups; however, the word feels pointy and divisive. The word evokes an image of three groups standing forever detached from each other. Divided. She didn’t coin the term, but it was Nina who suggested “constellation” as an alternative. Immediately it felt right to us all. Speaking it felt like second nature as we all recognized that we are indeed a part of a greater adoption constellation that reaches far beyond ourselves and our positions in the triad.

When we first imagined creating a magazine, our ambition was to create a magazine that was different than any other adoption-related magazine available. But it soon became apparent that we didn’t just want to BE different. We wanted to MAKE a difference.

One needs only to take a cursory look at the adoption blogosphere (in many ways a microcosm of the broader adoption community) to see how polarized we have become. Many constellation members tend to stay in their own corners with tenuous, if any, bridges between them. The purpose of Adoption Mosaic’s magazine The Adoption Constellation is to help build and support these bridges, with the ultimate goal of improving our adoption experiences.

As the Creative Director and Editor of The Adoption Constellation, it is my hope that each adoption constellation member will initially read our magazine because they feel, on some level, that it speaks to them. Then, by default, will be exposed to other articles and viewpoints they may not have been exposed to had they not picked up a copy of The Adoption Constellation.

A year ago, a new acquaintance of mine, an adoptive parent who has since become a respected friend and colleague, asked me “What is this adoption constellation you’ve spoken of, and how do I become a part of it? It sound’s wonderful.” It is indeed wonderful. And joyously rich and complex, and at times, heartbreakingly isolating and lonely. This mosaic of extremes, and everything in between, makes up the heart of Adoption Mosaic, and the essence of The Adoption Constellation.

The Adoption Constellation will not be for everyone. If you are looking for a magazine that portrays only one side of adoption, that speaks to only one group, and looks the other way when things get complex, then The Adoption Constellation is not for you. However it is my belief that most readers (and supporters of Adoption Mosaic) are broader minded than that, and will appreciate the diversity of the features and articles.

I’ve learned so much in the process of creating this magazine, about myself as an adopted person and other constellation members as well. I am not naive enough to think that after reading a few issues of The Adoption Constellation the adoption community will suddenly join hands and voices to sing rounds of kumbaya. But I do think readers with open hearts will walk away one step closer to understanding themselves and the experiences of other constellation members. And if I’m right, then at the end of the day, this is way better than any song.

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The first issue of The Adoption Constellation will be available free on our website www.adoptionmosaic.org this Fall. Subsequent issues are available through subscription only. More information to follow.

This is the question that Adoption Mosaic Executive Director Astrid Dabbeni addresses in our newest video blog. To view other videos please visit Adoption Mosaic’s  YouTube channel.

A new post by Jane Edwards on Birth Mother, First Mothers Forum talks about the legalities surrounding relinquishing a child to adoption, and the difficulties birth mothers face when trying to obtain legal representation to contest an adoption.

From the post

“When Leticia learned her daughter, Ashley, was pregnant, she went to her pastor for advice. He referred her to his wife who conveniently happened to run an adoption agency. Over the next several months, Leticia and Ashley met with the adoption social worker as well as a couple interested in adopting Ashley’s baby. But Ashley did not commit to placing her daughter. Leticia says they were looking for help, not adoption. Ashley gave birth June 16, via cesarean section. Five days later, Ashley signed an irrevocable surrender to the agency while still under the influence of drugs and the effects of the delivery. The next day, with her mother’s help, Ashley tried to revoke her consent. Too late under Oregon law!”

“Ashley’s case is only one of many cases throughout the country where a parent seeks to contest an adoption and confronts a legal system which demands money in order to achieve justice”

Jane describes a situation that, no doubt, has been repeated time and time again over the course of the many years formal adoptions have taken place. The law, and financial resources weigh heavy on the side of adoptive parents. There is a conversation happening on the blog that, at it’s core, is about the window of time, legally, mothers should have after giving birth before making the decision to place their child for adoption. Oregon law allows mothers to sign the papers immediately after giving birth. This is not nearly enough time. Alternately, laws in the UK ensure that mothers do not sign adoption papers until six weeks post-partum.

Too long? Too short? What are your thoughts?

Talking about adoption with your children is a delicate balance – one that parents have to learn because it is not necessarily an intuitive skill. If parents have to learn how to talk about adoption, whether it is about birth families, orphanages, or abandonment, then adopted youth definitely need to learn how to talk about adoption, and how to navigate the complexities that come with it. If parents are not modeling how the conversation about adoption goes, then how will their kids learn the tools to talk with their parents, or others, about adoption?

I think one issue is the absence of challenging education adoptive parents receive prior to adopting, and the lack of quality resources in general. Talking about adoption can be tricky and conversations may trigger intense feelings not only for the child, but for the parent too. It’s important for the parent to be prepared for this eventuality.

Conversations with your adopted child about adoption don’t always have to be about you and your kid(s). Sometimes, especially for emotionally loaded topics, it is easier to talk about the topic one step removed. As many parents know, movies and books can be powerful tools. Watching an adoption-related movie and talking about the characters, or reading a book and then talking through it are different ways to approach the subject. It is often surprising what comes up when you are in the safety of perceived objectivity.

It should never be the responsibility of the young adoptee to initiate a conversation about such a significant topic with their parents. Should adoptees be EMPOWERED to speak about adoption with their parents? Absolutely. Should kids be the sole guide for their parents? Never. Note: There is a difference between knowing your child and how to talk with them, knowing when they don’t want to talk, or knowing what is appropriate for them as opposed to making them be the initiator. Silence or saying “I don’t want to talk” may mean “I don’t know how”.

Adoptive parenting can be a fine line to walk with many important feelings to balance. Parents will wobble and have to redistribute to maintain the balance, but it is the parents who need to: do the work, set the example and lead their kids to a place of power in their own adoption experience.

From the article:

“…in other ways, adoption myths betray our children by giving lie to their origins. They are not born to us. We do not create them. They arrive to our families with histories that precede their lives with us. Embracing our children means embracing their stories even when they are difficult to hear.
The hard truth is that adoption is not just like giving birth. It is rarely as straightforward. And as much as we would like to think otherwise, not all forever families are forever.”

“Katie Valentino, a licensed professional clinical counselor, worked as an adoption preservation specialist for a federally sponsored program until it lost funding. She is now in private practice in Bloomingdale, Illinois.

‘People think it can’t be the child’s fault; it has to be the parent’s fault,’ Valentino said. ‘But I think the commonalities [in adoption terminations] are more the lack of support and the extreme nature of the child’s background. Social workers have to really identify and speak the truth about how difficult these kids might be. If we have the supports in place, these families and these kids could do so much better.’”

And in the afterward:

“As I worked on this piece I became increasingly frustrated and saddened by the lack of information and support both for pre-adoptive and post-adoptive families. Adoption agency websites usually have glowing stories of new families and pictures of adorable children cradled in their new parents’ arms, but very few have concrete information about preparing for children who have suffered the tremendous loss and trauma that most of these kids suffer. I feel like we’re setting families up. Adoption can be a wonderful thing but unless prospective parents go into it with their eyes open and post-adoption services at the ready, how can we blame those families that fall apart?”

Several weeks ago, I was followed around a grocery store in the Pearl, an upscale neighborhood known to some as “Portland’s best-known art district.” At first, I didn’t realize that I was being followed on suspicion of shoplifting. Initially, I thought I was being stalked by another shopper. He followed me from aisle to aisle, watching me through display cases, at times crouching down as he crept closer. As soon as I realized that this man was an undercover security agent working for the store, I made a beeline for the check stand. After paying for my items, I went straight to customer service and asked to speak with the manager. Two managers came to talk with me and, after I explained the situation, they apologized profusely. One of the managers said I had been followed and profiled as a shoplifter because I was placing items into my reusable cloth grocery bag instead of a cart.

Knowing many people use their cloth bags to shop I was not satisfied with the explanation as to why I had been followed. When I asked whether they follow everyone who uses their own personal shopping bag, they replied, “of course not.” I had no doubt this was a case of racial profiling, so I asked the managers what it was that flagged me as a shoplifter (I was dressed to attend meetings that particular
day…not that this should matter, but as we know, it does). They had no answer for me. I couldn’t stop thinking about what this experience would have been like for someone who didn’t feel safe to ask to speak up and how easy it would have been for me to go to my car, sit in the parking lot and cry. I believe that is what made me stay and ask the manager what they were going to do to prevent something like this from happening in the future. At a loss of words, the manager asked me if I had a suggestion. I offered three:

1. Put signs up in the store asking that customers NOT use their recycled bags as carts while shopping, announcing that they may be followed and accused of shoplifting.
2. Notify staff that, if they see someone using their personal shopping bag, they should nicely offer them a cart or basket and explain that they have a new policy that customers not use their own shopping bags. They should not accuse them of shoplifting!
3. Inquire with the security officer about what it was exactly I was doing that was so suspicious it made him think I was shoplifting.
The managers agreed to all three requests -with the exception that posted signs would not say folks will be accused of shoplifting!

After telling a friend/mentor (an African-American man) of my experience, he said “Good for you for going to customer service! Where do you think you learned to feel so entitled?” Instead of answering his question I responded with “Of course I felt entitled! Entitled to be treated fairly…period! Not because I am a woman of color but because I am a good person and I don’t deserve to be treated this way!” This was the first time I have really felt the truth in what I was saying about this power dynamic.

But, to really answer his question, it took several days and a lot of thinking…where did I learn to feel so entitled?

When I was 18, and began experiencing the world apart from my parents for the first time, I learned quickly that the world outside my parent’s umbrella didn’t first see me as Astrid, but as a Latina woman. And, certainly not as one who was entitled to white privilege. With this present situation, I wonder whether my sense of entitlement is the flip side of growing up with white parents in an all-white community…of course, I am entitled to being treated fairly, and I can’t help but wonder if I got a headstart on this journey, a headstart that my non-adopted Latina sisters in the U.S. do not experience and, therefore, don’t realize they have access to.

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Update: I am excited to report that the grocery store now has posted signs at the entrances stating that customers are not to use personal shopping bags while shopping. I also have a meeting next week to talk with the store manager to discuss other ways this situation could have been handled.