February 14, 2010 at 9:27 pm · Posted by Tara · Filed under Adoption Blogs, Adoption Mosaic, Diversity, Making Connections
One of the core values at Adoption Mosaic is the goal to support and be inclusive of all members of the adoption community, not just in words, but in action. It’s a pretty rare, and undoubtedly admirable ideal, and we could talk for a while about how cool it is, but what I want to mention is how very hard it is.
It is not true of every one, however, many people in the adoption triad don’t regularly rub shoulders with other triad members. Though I count other adoptees to be some of my closest friends, with the exception of family, I hadn’t come into much contact with other triad or community members until I became involved with Adoption Mosaic almost 5 years ago.
When I say it’s hard, what I’m talking about is the subtle (and not very subtle) walls that exist between triad members. I’m talking about the dynamics between white folks and people of color. I’m talking about generational differences and how they shade respect. And I am talking about how deeply, and intensely personal, adoption is to every individual involved and how much everyone has at stake.
One only has to take a quick look at the adoption blogosphere to get an idea of what I’m talking about. In a very real way, the adoption blogosphere is a perfect microcosm (or rather macrocosm) of what I’m describing. People take sides, defenses are up, and things can get ugly. But people are also able to voice their experiences unhindered, are inspired and humbled, moved and amazed – our lives are bettered, and we learn tremendous amounts.
I often feel that not-so-invisible lines are being drawn in the sand. I have edited Adoption Mosaic’s quarterly magazine The Constellation for the past two years. I have been told, by an adoptive parent, that adoptive parents don’t feel comfortable contributing to the newsletter because they feel it is too “adoptee focused.” Often I’ve wondered the opposite, whether first/birthparents and adoptees find the newsletter to be “too adoptive parent focused.” I’ve come to realize that this is less of a reflection on The Constellation, or my editing skills, than it is an indication of how polarized we have become.
It is a poverty that one would choose not to step up because they will be sharing the stage with a different triad member. But creating a shared stage is the Adoption Mosaic way. We definitely don’t always agree and we aren’t all coming from the same place, but it is incredible how much we’ve accomplished, how much we’ve learned, and how innovative we can be precisely because we’ve all been sharing the same stage.
Dawn wrote @ February 15th, 2010 at 5:24 am
We don’t have anything like Adoption Mosaic in Columbus but maybe someday. You all inspire me.
Astrid wrote @ February 15th, 2010 at 5:33 pm
I can’t agree enough with Tara’s post in regards to “how hard it is” sometimes. I feel so honored to be a part of an organization that is not only willing but EXPECTED to talk about adoption with other constellation members. I can remember some of our early discussions between adoptees and adoptive parents…comparing adoption with birth (‘paper pregnancy’), breast feeding adopted children, using the term “gotcha-day”…these were really tough conversations to have but also formed who we are as an organization to date. What I loved about these conversations was that we were willing to take our protective personal bubbles down and have these tough talks and even sometimes (often) agree to disagree. Thanks Tara for a great post!
I agree, Tara, that we are choosing poverty if we decide to refrain from engagement. For many reasons–different identities and social locations, discomfort, anxiety–dialoguing can be super scary! As a writer, I’ve found it unnerving to send my words out into the world: what if I don’t feel the same way in retrospect, what if I embarrass myself with all of the things I don’t understand, what if I can’t express all of my nuanced truths? But if we can’t find ways to reach across fear and cross lines, we won’t learn and grow together.
I think we have a fantastic opportunity to work together to cross the lines that are dividing and polarizing the adoption community. We can use Adoption Mosaic’s programs, newsletter and blog to engage each other, learn together and grow–precisely because we have different experiences and identities.
Thank you for talking about difference, and for encouraging the courage it takes to cross lines. Amazing things happen when we can listen and engage across difference.
Tara wrote @ February 20th, 2010 at 4:14 pm
Dawn: Thank you for your post and your support
Astrid: Oh yes, I remember those conversations! Each one of them (paper pregnancy, breast feeding adopted children, and “gotcha-day”) could be several blog posts each!
Kelly: I’m with you as far as finding it very unnerving to “send my words out into the world”! I blog and do my share of adoption-focused writing, and each time I just hope that I’m representing my truth as accurately as I can, and that I’m not being misunderstood. That said, I’ve experienced a few hiccups along the way…
I’ve realized that even when I have been misunderstood (for whatever reason), readers still get something out of it. Maybe it sparks an idea someone hasn’t thought of before, clarifies a thought, or compels someone to comment so they can express their disagreement. In all three cases (hopefully) the same thing is happening: the conversation is continued. Not to say that I don’t still get frustrated when I’ve been misunderstood, but it makes it just a little bit easier 
