February 2, 2010 at 12:07 am · Posted by Livia · Filed under Diversity, Finding a Voice, Race, Talking about Adoption
I’ve been thinking a lot about minorities and power and privilege lately. My thoughts come out of my experiences as a white adoptee.
Adoptees are in the minority in this culture. Most people are not relinquished, and get raised by at least one biological relation. Being part of this minority has enabled me to experience what it’s like to feel silenced and, oftentimes, what it’s like to be an outsider looking in at a culture that is based on blood relations, and a culture that asks me to behave as if I’ve grown up with blood relations.
Being white has enabled me to have the experience of being an insider. Though I still have far to go (and the journey will never actually be over), I’ve traveled from less to more understanding of what people of color go through in this culture. Reflecting on what I’ve learned from that particular journey so far, I realized something completely unexpected: I do understand the resistance of some non-adopted folks and adoptive parents to really listening to adult adoptees.
When those in any minority speak out and express “negative” feelings or criticism, the responses from the dominant culture and those in positions of power/privilege can often range from various forms of not listening/caring to outright attacks and attempts to silence those in the minority by casting them as “angry,” “troubled,” or “troublemakers,” etc.
Other responses by those in the dominant culture can range from feeling attacked, becoming fearful that they’re going to say or do something wrong, and/or finding subtle (and not so subtle ways) to not engage, or be an ally. If you’re in a dominant culture, it can be quite uncomfortable to have your eyes opened to a different/expanded reality. At a certain point it’s easy for discomfort to equal retreat.
And we can’t forget that people are usually taught to think of disagreement as something that’s automatically antagonistic, and discomfort as something to be avoided. Most of us aren’t taught how to respond to disagreement. Difference itself is often considered uncomfortable, and something to be silenced, ignored, made fun of, or pitied.
We need to talk about all of these “differences” and how they make us uncomfortable.
Let’s stop being afraid of talking about race, about adoption, about sexual orientation, etc. Let’s stop speaking in code, and be up front about how we feel.
Let’s commit to being honest about where we are on our journey as adoptive parents, birth/first parents, and adoptees. Let’s agree to be honest when we’re having our buttons pushed. Let’s commit to staying open and actually listen to one another.
This is an invitation to stick with the discomfort and keep going.
Boy, you hit it on the head. I am only 2 years into my search and reunion with family. I am both an Adoptee and a Birth Mom, so stand on 2 sides of a fence and have all the emotionally baggage that come with both. I have found over these past 2 years that more often than not, people would rather I just stay quiet and when I do speak, and it isn’t all love songs and roses (especially not now that I am finally processing all this stuff), they quickly try to silence me with belittling or condesending statements,. The tone is always riddled with shame or guilt. I could make your hair stand on end at some of the things people have said to me either as an Adoptee or a Birth Mom.
I found it interesting that you made the comparison between race and the adoption experience. I have made this same comparison, also stating that I feel we are in the same place with our view on Adoption as we are on Race. Just as we feel all our policies and politically correct lingo (as well as our current president elect) proves we have overcome all our racial biases, we feel the “open adoption” has somehow magically made all the ills of the adoption experience come to an end. It’s a joke and I fear we are walking down yet another path of ignorance.
Until we are able to address “the elephant in the room” without candy coating and polite understatements, we cannot possibly hope to begin to create a better Adoption experience. Adoption is not going away, in a perfect world it would not exsist. Babies would stay with thier mothers, people who wanted children would get to have them, people who shouldn’t have children wouldn’t, but that isn’t the world we live in. We all need to remember that at tne end of the day, Adoption isn’t the answer. . .it is a consequence of a non perfect world and because of this, the experience causes angst. . .and that is the reality.
M wrote @ February 2nd, 2010 at 12:13 pm
Wow, now your are comparing the plight and experience of adoptees with those of African-Americans and Gay/Lesbians. While being adopted does make you somewhat of an outsider, it would be hard to argue that you are an outsider the same way people of color are outsiders (white dominated culture), people who are gay or lesbian are outsiders (heterosexual dominated culture), or people who are Jewish or Muslim are outsiders (Christian dominated culture). Besides the horrible history in how we have treated the aforementioned people, we continue to mistreat them, are hostile towards them, discriminate against them, and fail to stand up to others who mistreat these individuals. While I can see that an adoptee might feel left out or not a part of the dominate culture, I struggle to see how adoptees are systematically discrimiated against in the workplace, how hate crimes are regularly committed against them, how their lifestyles are viewed as deviant or sick, or how their beliefs are seen as sinful and ultimately that their destiny is hell. Can an adoptee understand what it is like being on the outside? Sure, but not even close to those whose ancestors were enslaved, linched, or exterminated. I have never heard of an adoptee not getting a job because of his/her status as an adoptee. I have never heard of an adoptee being linched because he/she was an adoptee or was in a relationship with a non-adoptee. I have never heard of an adoptee systematically harrassed or the target of hate crimes. I have never heard of the dominate culture having a view of adoptees as lesser human beings. I have never heard of adoptees being killed for their views. Correct me if I am wrong, but I do a great deal of reading, talking to others, and staying abreast of current events and I just don’t see the connection. Some may feel that your drawing an analogy between the experience of an adoptee and people of color, people of different religions, or people in same-sex relationships is minimizing their plight while elevating your own. So, yes, Livia, “let’s get real.” No need to impress upon others the difficulties faced by adoptees by making these kinds of comparisons because it comes off as not being in touch with “what is real.” If you (and others who have contributed to this and other AM blogs) want to be heard by the dominant culture you may want to consider changing the message. It’s not that you and others are being silenced, you are not being heard because you are screaming.
Livia wrote @ February 2nd, 2010 at 1:53 pm
Hi M, thanks for bringing out these important points! It sounds like we both agree that adoptees are not part of the dominant culture and that that has consequences. Let me clarify that my post wasn’t about asserting suffering or that I understand/share all that other minorities have gone through. What I did say was that I understand the reaction some non-adopted folks have because of my experience as a white person
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You bring up SUCH an important point when you say that all of us have to make sure we’re not co-opting other people’s identities/experiences. I certainly wasn’t saying that I as a white adoptee have had the same exact experiences as people of color, or that I “share in their suffering.” No, I have my own particular journey. And I won’t ever claim that I have the experiences of a transracial adoptee. What people of color experience, what transracial adoptees experience, and what I as a white adoptee experience is most definitely different!
I really want to hear from transracial adoptees, people of color, GLBTQ, other minority communities and parents of transracial adoptees. Did you feel like this post was belittling/trying to draw comparisons that aren’t there? Overreaching? If so, how do you think I might have better explored these ideas? I think all of us are going to make mistakes/not get it at times, so let’s not be afraid to say it if you felt it. Really that’s the only way we can all learn from one another! Thanks for accepting the invite, M!
M wrote @ February 2nd, 2010 at 2:03 pm
“I really want to hear from transracial adoptees, people of color, GLBTQ, other minority communities and parents of transracial adoptees.”
You just heard from one.
Audrey wrote @ February 2nd, 2010 at 7:44 pm
Hey M – “The desire to rank oppressions is a false project. Even asking the question of prevalence assumes that a form of “good” oppression exists. It further ignores that there are many people who must negotiate multiple sites of oppression.”
http://globalcomment.com/2009/homophobia-and-racism-the-failed-policy-of-ranking-oppressions/
M wrote @ February 3rd, 2010 at 8:57 am
Hey Audrey – Thanks for reminding me of all the oppression in the world that needs to be legitimized by not ranking the oppression a group feels like the oppression the KKK feels when they are prevented from expressing their views, the oppression children feel when they are told they must go to school and can’t stay home and watch TV, the oppression that professional athletes feel when their team owners don’t pay them more, . . . . Hey Audrey, “Let’s Get Real.”
Jennifer wrote @ February 3rd, 2010 at 9:03 am
It was my impression, from reading the original post, that Livia is talking about how her whiteness gives her the status of an “insider” but that through her experience of being marginalized as an adoptee, she is growing her learning of the marginalization of people of color. She never says she knows what it’s like, she never even makes an exact comparison, she just says that this is the trigger that started her on her journey towards understanding.
We need to address all our differences in an honest and real way, it’s the only way we’re ever going to get to a point of respect and understanding. And the only way we’re going to progress through these conversations, (rather then them just ending in road blocks of mis-understanding,) is to first acknowledge, as livia has, the defense mechanisms that arise, often, before we even begin. There are defenses on both sides. History, power, and control are powerful components that often play silently in the background of these interactions.
My feeling, as a person of color, is that if together we cant get past (that first step of acknowledging the subtext involved) then it’s impossible to progress any further. Clearly some have more trouble getting to that place than others. It’s no surprise, it’s a hard place to go to.
Campbell wrote @ February 3rd, 2010 at 10:46 am
I totally get what M is saying here.
It’s beyond me how anyone can imagine being adopted can give them any clue as to how it feels to be a victim of racism or as the poster says, “more understanding of what people of color go through” .
Did you feel like this post was belittling/trying to draw comparisons that aren’t there? Yes
Overreaching? Yes
If so, how do you think I might have better explored these ideas? Does this really need to be answered?
I love the line “It’s not that you and others are being silenced, you are not being heard because you are screaming.” I have sympathy for adopted people who’s entire lives are messed up because of it. I have other thoughts also that wouldn’t appear as compassionate but I try and keep those to myself. This “exploration of an idea” is just too much though. Now the majority of adoptees, the ones who are “out of the fog” are minorities? It’s just not the same thing, at all. Nobody thinks badly of adoptees except for adoptees themselves. Oh don’t worry, I know it’s not their fault, it’s because they’re adopted.
I’m an adopted person thats white.
Mei Ling wrote @ February 3rd, 2010 at 12:03 pm
[It’s beyond me how anyone can imagine being adopted can give them any clue as to how it feels to be a victim of racism or as the poster says, “more understanding of what people of color go through” .]
A transracial adoptee is a person of color. Sure they were adopted, so it doesn’t automatically indicate they’ll face racism. But they *are* a person of color just like any other immigrant minority. Not sure what you’re trying to say here…
Campbell wrote @ February 3rd, 2010 at 1:37 pm
Perhaps I’ve misread the post. I took it as a white poster saying being adopted could enable her to be more understanding of what people of colour go through.
My apologies if I’ve missed something.
maybe wrote @ February 3rd, 2010 at 2:11 pm
I understood the post to be a reflection on the way in which people are silenced, labeled, and marginalized when discussing issues that are not understood by the dominant culture.
This is not the same as comparing oneself to a person of color who is experiencing racism. It is merely a reflection on how society often reacts negatively to individuals and groups who call attention to issues that need deeper examination.
M wrote @ February 3rd, 2010 at 7:40 pm
Help me understand this. Not being part of dominant culture does not equate to being silenced, labeled, or marginalized. It just means you are not part of dominant culture. I am not part of dominant culture on many levels, but do not feel silenced, labeled, or marginalized. How are adoptees being silenced, labeled, or marginalized? I don’t see anyone having an adversarial relationship with adult adoptees. I don’t see people not wanting adoptees to make connections with their birthparents or their birth culture/country. I don’t see adoptive parents not wanting to help adoptees with the complexities of adoption. I may have rose colored glassess on, but all the adoptees I know either as friends or within my own family do not feel this sense of being silenced, labeled, or marginalized by the dominant culture. I don’t see society reacting negatively to adoptees and some how not wanting them to have a deeper examination of their experience. Someone, please help me understand this.
Gina wrote @ February 3rd, 2010 at 11:43 pm
Sounds like your a great adoptive parent and a great friend to adoptees in your life. You sound really enlightened. But there’s plenty of older adopted people that never had any of the things you’re talking about and still don’t. Who have no access to their original birth certificates and adoption records; who recieved the message that they shouldn’t talk about what was going on for them. Who are still told they shouldn’t have any grief. That they shouldn’t have questions. That they should be grateful. People who heard horrible things about their birthmothers. If they heard anything. And let’s not even get into what birthmothers went through, still do. The stereotypes, the message that they should be quiet. I have several adoptive parents as friends. They are not doing the things you’re talking about. Not open to talking about this stuff. (Maybe I need to come hang out with you and your friends?) Sure, they don’t know any better, it’s not there fault. But if adoptees don’t talk about it how’s it going to change? The reason you even know this stuff is because adoptees took a risk and spoke out. Now your kids will have it better. But a lot of kids still don’t. You sound like your a great friend to adult adoptees in your life, but not all people are as understanding as you.
Dawn wrote @ February 4th, 2010 at 6:07 am
M, you said this, “I don’t see anyone having an adversarial relationship with adult adoptees.” And I wonder if you meant it ironically because I see YOU having an adversarial relationship with adult adoptees.
My Jewish experience (especially as a Jew cut off from her Jewish community for most of my life) definitely informs how I consider my adopted daughter’s experience. I appreciate what the poster was saying in this blog since I think sometimes comparisons can help us reconsider how we are looking at a particular situation. And as a Jewish woman, I don’t feel belittled by her assertion that being an adoptee is also an outsider experience. I don’t feel like she’s inviting me to some pissing match of pain at all. I’m wondering why you’re feeling that way?
M wrote @ February 4th, 2010 at 8:29 am
Gina, thanks for the explanation. Very helpful and helps me to better understand.
Dawn, your response was even more helpful, NOT! I always find it interesting when someone is asking for more clarity and the response is a Pee Wee Herman reference . . . “I know you are, but what am I.”
Mei Ling wrote @ February 5th, 2010 at 9:16 am
M, let me try to explain:
“Not being part of dominant culture does not equate to being silenced, labeled, or marginalized.”
Yes. It means you abide by the rules of the dominant culture, which can put you into a group of isolation along with others who experience the same “minority” feelings.
“It just means you are not part of dominant culture. I am not part of dominant culture on many levels, but do not feel silenced, labeled, or marginalized. How are adoptees being silenced, labeled, or marginalized?”
Dominant culture says adoption is wonderful, a beautiful thing, a thing ordained by God, the best thing for many children. If an adoptee disagrees with any of the above, s/he is classified as “ungrateful”, “bitter” or “angry.”
If the adoptee says adoption isn’t always wonderful, people assume this adoptee has had a bad experience and therefore there is no need to listen. Dismiss.
If the adoptee says adoption is not necessarily always a beautiful thing because it causes pain to most mothers, then the adoptee is quickly told that not all stories are “bad” and there are some mothers out there who don’t feel pain. Dismiss.
If the adoptee says s/he does not believe adoption was ordained by God because God does not make mistakes and put babies in the wrong tummies or that God doesn’t orchestrate suffering so another woman can have joy, then society is quick to tell the adoptee that this suffering was just one step in God’s Greater Plan and that by putting the adoptee with the adoptive mother, the birth-mother probably just needed to learn a life lesson (about loss?) and that all is redeemed since the adoptee is with the adoptive parents now. Dismiss.
If the adoptee dares point out anything negative with adoption, s/he is automatically given the black & white response of “Well should children be left to rot” and then slapped metamorphically on the head and told s/he just had a bad experience and not all adoptees are like her/him. Dismiss.
If you read this and tell me I am just biased, overreacting or pointing out that not every discussion leads to the stereotypical scenarios above and that things have changed and I’m also “just” a bitter, angry adoptee who had a bad experience and not all adoptees feel the way I do*, then you are still silencing and dismissing me by claiming that what I say isn’t really true and that I actually do have a voice in adoption discussion.
You see, I have a voice, but unless it praises adoption or agrees with the dominant discourse, then I am told I must have just had a bad experience and complacently patted on the head as if I am a child. My voice is drowned by the adoptive voice in many, many scenarios.
*Disclaimer: I realize not every adoptee feels loss or that there are any complexities in adoption. I also realize that in some circumstances, adoption was the best thing. For a lot of people, however, adoption wasn’t the best thing.
Campbell wrote @ February 5th, 2010 at 9:43 am
Conversely Mei Ling, I’m told I’m “in a fog” because I’m not unhappy with my personal situation, don’t feel a loss. That I’m drinking kool aid, rainbows, etc.,you know the drill. Like I don’t know my own mind?
M, regarding the following statement :
“I don’t see people not wanting adoptees to make connections with their birthparents or their birth culture/country. I don’t see adoptive parents not wanting to help adoptees with the complexities of adoption. ”
You may not see it but without doubt it happens. It didn’t happen to me, but it happens to lots, as Gina pointed out. Also, I’m in Canada and the province that I’m in has closed records. The governmental agency that facilitates non identifying contact denied an exchange of email addresses between my biological mother and myself because she was unwilling to sign away her right to privacy in spite of the fact that I wanted it as well. They told me it wouldn’t be fair to me even though I said it was perfectly acceptable. I’m in my 40’s!!
Crazy, eh?
Love the disclaimer Mei Ling!
[...] Jump to Comments In a discussion that’s happening here, commenter M says the [...]
Mei Ling wrote @ February 5th, 2010 at 10:17 am
Interesting, Campbell. I remember before I found my family that I felt as though I hadn’t suffered any loss. Even after finding them, I (at first) felt as though I hadn’t truly lost anything because of my adoptive life.
If you had asked me 4 years ago how I felt about adoption, I was a totally different person pertaining to adoption. I believed there was no loss; people were replaceable (not roles), and that adoption had been in my “best” interests.
But over time, through contact and then reunion, things gradually changed. So when people say they don’t feel a loss, I try to think back to the years before I started contact, because I would swear it felt as real before contact changed me.
“The governmental agency that facilitates non identifying contact denied an exchange of email addresses between my biological mother and myself because she was unwilling to sign away her right to privacy”
Your bio mother was given an agreement of confidentiality? Hmmm, many mothers online who surrendered claim there is no such thing. Do you happen to know where this contract was given or what it was called?
Shelise wrote @ February 5th, 2010 at 8:15 pm
Mei Ling -If you would have asked me 3 or 4 years ago what I thought about my adoption I would have said it worked great for me – I love my family and I feel very “well-adjusted”. Simple. But, like you, over time I ‘ve learned a lot more about adoption. The politics, the socio-economics, the gender issues, the fraud , the disruptions and how adoption agencies run, my feelings and opinions have changed.
One thing that has really helped changed my view about adoption is hearing the stories of other adoptees (of all ages), birthparents and adoptive parents. Adoption is not and cannot be simplified. It will always be complex. Some accept this, some not.
Our experiences are so wide and varied and everyone (as you can see on several of the threads on this blog) is so passionate about their own experience. I’ve seen it get ugly, but I have to admire the discussion going on here. Is it always constructive? No. But the times it has been respectful and constructive, I’ve been really inspired to continue the work of Adoption Mosaic. Say what you will about who you think Adoption Mosaic represents, but I can see through this blog that we are really trying to create a space where voices are allowed to speak or scream, but they are allowed.
Campbell wrote @ February 6th, 2010 at 3:10 pm
“Your bio mother was given an agreement of confidentiality? Hmmm, many mothers online who surrendered claim there is no such thing. Do you happen to know where this contract was given or what it was called?”
I for sure don’t know the specifics, of anything. I was just now poking around in the Adoption Act and can’t see specifically what the case worker would be referring to as far as an agreement of confidentiality. I just know that after an exchange of non identifying letters between birth mom and me the case worker said bm had asked to exchange email addresses but they wouldn’t facilitate it unless she signed something, which she refused to do. Pffft…that just bugs my ass. Not her refusal, but theirs. Our story went down in Canada.
This conversation has gone many places since I first read Livia’s original post–still, I want to chime in. I appreciate Livia’s writing as an invitation and a call to action. I hear her bravely offering her own experience and her personal understanding of privilege and oppression as one possible blueprint for reaching across difference.
I am especially enlivened by Livia’s suggestion that we abandon code and embrace honesty. I welcome this invitation, precisely because I feel vulnerable about sharing my voice. I have to work really hard to move past insecurity when talking about adoption–I feel like I’m on the early edges of my own adoption consciousness. It’s scary to put myself out there when I feel like I’m still developing my knowledge and perspective.
So, thank you, Livia for risking vulnerability and asking us to join you in dialogue. I’m excited to push myself towards more thinking, writing, and sharing. And I’m thankful to have Adoption Mosaic as a supportive community to engage with.
I’ve been thinking a lot about minorities and power and privilege lately. My thoughts come out of my experiences as a white adoptee.