Archive for Talking about Adoption
April 10, 2010 at 8:53 pm · Posted by Livia · Filed under Adoption Language, Census, Kinship, Talking about Adoption
I was puzzled by the debate over adoption on the census. I couldn’t figure out why some people felt that checking off “adopted child” was demeaning to their child and why they equated this with adoptees being considered “less than.” And then I asked myself this question:
What if the debate over having to check “biological child” or “adopted child” were reversed? What if people were upset about having to check off “biological child” because they thought their biological child might feel differentiated and less than?
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March 28, 2010 at 7:07 pm · Posted by Tara · Filed under Guest Blog, Talking about Adoption, Transracial Adoption
From Guest Blogger Kevin D. Hofmann. Visit him at mymindonpaper.wordpress.com and click here>> for more information on Adoption Mosaic Bloggers
“She couldn’t take care of him, so she gave him up for adoption.”
This was always the reply my older brother would give. It was in response to the question, “What happened to his real mom?”
Like the synchronicity of an expensive Swiss watch, this scenario always played out the same right after meeting someone new when I was an adolescent. The inconsistency of skin colors between my family and me was a dead give away. I was adopted, no question about it.
When I was introduced as their son or brother, there was an artificial acceptance by the children. Then once the adults left my new friends would begin the volley of questions.
“He’s your brother?” They would ask, as if my darker skin had the power to make me invisible or deaf.
“Yep.” My brother would respond.
“How?” The curious and uninhibited kids would ask.
“He’s adopted.” My brother would quickly say.
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February 2, 2010 at 12:07 am · Posted by Livia · Filed under Diversity, Finding a Voice, Race, Talking about Adoption
I’ve been thinking a lot about minorities and power and privilege lately. My thoughts come out of my experiences as a white adoptee.
Adoptees are in the minority in this culture. Most people are not relinquished, and get raised by at least one biological relation. Being part of this minority has enabled me to experience what it’s like to feel silenced and, oftentimes, what it’s like to be an outsider looking in at a culture that is based on blood relations, and a culture that asks me to behave as if I’ve grown up with blood relations.
Being white has enabled me to have the experience of being an insider. Though I still have far to go (and the journey will never actually be over), I’ve traveled from less to more understanding of what people of color go through in this culture. Reflecting on what I’ve learned from that particular journey so far, I realized something completely unexpected: I do understand the resistance of some non-adopted folks and adoptive parents to really listening to adult adoptees.
When those in any minority speak out and express “negative” feelings or criticism, the responses from the dominant culture and those in positions of power/privilege can often range from various forms of not listening/caring to outright attacks and attempts to silence those in the minority by casting them as “angry,” “troubled,” or “troublemakers,” etc.
Other responses by those in the dominant culture can range from feeling attacked, becoming fearful that they’re going to say or do something wrong, and/or finding subtle (and not so subtle ways) to not engage, or be an ally. If you’re in a dominant culture, it can be quite uncomfortable to have your eyes opened to a different/expanded reality. At a certain point it’s easy for discomfort to equal retreat.
And we can’t forget that people are usually taught to think of disagreement as something that’s automatically antagonistic, and discomfort as something to be avoided. Most of us aren’t taught how to respond to disagreement. Difference itself is often considered uncomfortable, and something to be silenced, ignored, made fun of, or pitied.
We need to talk about all of these “differences” and how they make us uncomfortable.
Let’s stop being afraid of talking about race, about adoption, about sexual orientation, etc. Let’s stop speaking in code, and be up front about how we feel.
Let’s commit to being honest about where we are on our journey as adoptive parents, birth/first parents, and adoptees. Let’s agree to be honest when we’re having our buttons pushed. Let’s commit to staying open and actually listen to one another.
This is an invitation to stick with the discomfort and keep going.
January 26, 2010 at 8:14 pm · Posted by Tara · Filed under Adoption Blogs, Guest Blog, Talking about Adoption, Transracial Adoption
From Guest Blogger Catherine M. Anderson. Visit her at mamacandtheboys.com, and click here>> for more information on Adoption Mosaic Bloggers.
One Tier at a Time: One Adoptive Mother’s Climb to Racial Awareness and Parenting (thoughts originated from postings at Adoptive Families Circle)
I am the mother of a transracial family. I have a five year old black son and a two year old biracial son via donor. I feel like I have reached a new tier in my racial awareness in the last year. I have gone from thinking (about five years ago) something like this; “Oh yeah I get it-because look at my family, I have to get it.” to “WHOA I don’t get it at all. I have so much work to do, where do I begin?” (Actually, I am always going to be in this phase, my reading, connecting, asking questions, reading, connecting phase) to “We have to talk about this, about RACE, about what our children are experiencing all the time.” And I do talk about it all the time.
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January 13, 2010 at 10:12 pm · Posted by Tara · Filed under Birth/First parents, Talking about Adoption
A friend of mine let me in on a conversation she had with her husband last week. It was initially in reference to international adoption and went something like this:
A: If we were to adopt would you be upset if the child didn’t call you “daddy.”
B: Well, yes, a bit. I would want them to call me “daddy.”
A: But what if we were to adopt, say, your niece?
B: Well in that case no, I wouldn’t expect them to call me “daddy”
A: Why not?
B: Because they already have a daddy.
Put so simply, it makes you realize how easily and how often birth/first parents are completely erased from the lives of the adoptive family, as if they don’t exist. But the fact is, all adoptive children already have a daddy. They already have a mommy too. Can you imagine how the face of adoption would change if we all kept this reality in the forefront of our consciousness rather than tucking it away out of sight out of mind? What an amazing thing it would be if we could celebrate each of our parents (or children’s parents) without value judgments or guilt, but with openness and love.
December 19, 2009 at 3:27 pm · Posted by Tara · Filed under Adoption books, Media, Talking about Adoption
Adoption Mosaic’s winter 2009/10 newsletter The Constellation has just been published. In this issue we included a review of the childrens’ book Motherbridge of Love (previously a poem entitled Legacy of an Adopted Child). To read the review see page 4 of our winter newsletter.
As editor of The Constellation, I felt some hesitation about including this book in the newsletter. Although it’s never been clarified, I felt that by publishing a review of a book or movie on either the website, or the newsletter, we are giving it Adoption Mosaic’s unspoken “seal of approval.” The vast majority of the books (and movies) we review are books that we, the many people who make up the whole of Adoption Mosaic, generally feel good about. However, several of us, (myself included) clearly don’t feel good about the message this particular book sends. Wanting to know more about how others felt about it, I asked some members of Adoption Mosaic’s staff and board their opinions of the book. This is the feedback I received:
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November 16, 2009 at 11:07 pm · Posted by Tara · Filed under Finding a Voice, Identity, Talking about Adoption
It has not always been the case, but for the last decade, being adopted has been a huge part of my identity, as well as my work. I have written articles, attended conferences, sat on boards, spoken on panels, lead adopted youth groups, volunteered, researched, studied, read, and blogged adoption.
And I have a confession to make.
In all this time, I have never had a meaningful discussion with my parents about adoption.
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November 14, 2009 at 10:36 pm · Posted by Tara · Filed under Adopted Documentary, Adoption-themed films, Media, Talking about Adoption, Transracial Adoption
Over 125 adoptees, adoptive parents, birthparents, adoption professionals, adoptive family members, and community members came together on Thursday to watch Adoption Mosaic’s screening of the film Adopted.
It was an incredible evening and clearly the discussion after the film could have lasted much longer than what we had time for. This multi-faceted film brings up so many important issues surrounding adoption. If you watched this movie with us at this event, at Adoption Mosaic’s Movie Night, or if you’ve seen it on your own, how has Adopted impacted you?
Also, be sure to check out our interview with co-producer Nancy Kim Parsons to get a deeper understanding of the people and processes behind the documentary.
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I was puzzled by the debate over adoption on the census. I couldn’t figure out why some people felt that checking off “adopted child” was demeaning to their child and why they equated this with adoptees being considered “less than.” And then I asked myself this question:
