January 5, 2009 at 10:41 pm · Posted by Livia · Filed under Adoption books
The Primal Wound was the first book about adoption that I ever bought.
Previously, I had flipped through some adoption books in stores. While it was eye-opening to finally realize that other people were thinking and writing about the adoptive experience, I probably didn’t get as much as I could’ve out of those books because I was completely hypervigilant. I couldn’t risk someone catching a glimpse of the covers. For so many reasons, I just wasn’t comfortable with strangers knowing that I was reading about being adopted. To be honest, at that time, I wasn’t comfortable with anyone knowing that I was reading about being adopted.
So, actually buying The Primal Wound was a big step for me. It was the first book about adoption that I read straight through. (It’s amazing how much easier it is to read a book when you’re not trying to hide out in a bookstore!)
I felt overwhelmed by The Primal Wound–overwhelmed by grief, by regret, and by relief. The grief had been there for as long as I could remember, but it was a feeling I hadn’t really been able to express before that period in my life. The regret was because I’d wished my parents had an oppurtunity to read such a book when I was growing up. And the relief? As I read The Primal Wound, I realized that my feelings weren’t strange and that I was actually part of an experience that was complex and had many sides. I was relieved because I finally knew I wasn’t alone. And I had felt so very alone in my adoptive experience.
I also remember feeling not just a desire, but an absolute need for the book not to end. As long as I was reading that book, I had something to anchor me. But what would I do when I finished the book? Would that feeling of being connected to other adoptees and other members of the adoption constellation end? And how would I begin to share the information I was reading with friends and family? Should I share it with them? And did I agree with every idea in this book? What did it mean if I questioned this book that spoke to me in so many ways?
More than a decade later, I still deal with those questions, but the overwhelming feeling I have when I think about The Primal Wound is one of thankfulness. I am so thankful that the book came into my life when it did. I know that it changed my life for the better in so many ways.
For those of you who have read The Primal Wound, or even just flipped through it, I’d love to hear what it means to you. If you haven’t read The Primal Wound, or if another book means more to you or speaks more to your experience, I hope you’ll share your thoughts about that book (or books), too.
Samantha wrote @ January 11th, 2009 at 9:12 pm
My husband is the youngest of 4 boys in his family. His oldest brother was adopted as an infant and he talked to us about this book even before we considered adoption for building our family. It was the first book that I read about adoption and it was very hard to read. That said, I am so glad that it was the first book I read. It informed the path that we would take regarding our approach to our son’s adoption and also helped us to understand my brother in law’s experience in his family in a completely different way. It is one of the books I recommend to anyone asking me about adoption.
Livia wrote @ January 18th, 2009 at 1:33 am
Hi Samantha,
Thanks for sharing your experience. You’re right, “The Primal Wound” can definitely be a tough book to read. It sounds like you were really able to absorb and utilize the information you found in it.
Debbie wrote @ March 2nd, 2009 at 9:25 pm
I agree that, as an adoptive parent, this is a tough book to read, and also a very important one. May I ask how old you were when you read it, Livia? I go back and forth about suggesting it to my 16-year-old daughter. In some ways, I think she would really appreciate its honesty for saying the hard things. Do you have any input?
Livia wrote @ March 4th, 2009 at 10:52 pm
I was in college when I read it. I think it would have meant a lot to me to read “The Primal Wound” at 16 because it would’ve reassured me that I wasn’t alone in certain feelings I had. On the other hand, I wouldn’t have had any one else to share the book with at that time, so that would’ve been difficult. You will be there to discuss the book if your daughter wants to, and I think that part is great since it is a tough read and it does bring up a lot of emotions. It’s difficult to put age guidelines on books because everyone matures at such different rates. Actually, I go back and forth about suggesting “The Primal Wound” to adults! I find that I don’t have nearly as much worry when friends find the book on their own, however. Let’s say your daughter found “The Primal Wound” on her own instead of you suggesting it–let’s say bought it from the bookstore or checked it out of the library. How do you think you might feel about her reading it in that case?
mereann wrote @ March 18th, 2009 at 1:50 pm
i have steered clear of this book for years b/c i had the impresion from several acquaintences (counselors, adoptive parents, a social worker) that this book was a kind of “cult” text that embedded adoption issues in a bunch of spiritual mumbo-jumbo about wonded souls—can you believe that hype!? i became newly curious about this book as i studied to become a counselor myself, and learned more about attachment theory and healing through relaionships with others. i still have not read the book but have made a commitment to myself to borrow it from a friend when i visit next month. i am so glad to see this forum available for discussion. a book with such a “dangerous” reputation–too powerful to recommend to a teen?–is definitely one to check out, and a built-in book group is a tremendous encouragement.
Livia wrote @ March 24th, 2009 at 11:10 pm
I hope you’ll come back and post your reactions during/after reading it.
kev wrote @ May 21st, 2009 at 6:59 pm
I read the primal wound 6 years ago and relaxed within my adopted soul,for a while!! I feel like this book was written with a good solid insight and a broad view of the nature of being accidentally alone.Sometimes I feel like I should live in an housing estate with just adopted people so that a common mindset can just be what it is without being contested.Im now 27 years old but who ever heard of an adopted adult??? God Bless ye all,Love Kev
Jane wrote @ September 14th, 2009 at 8:44 am
I’ve just found your blog in searching for the details of the book to provide to a colleague who has adopted a child.
I remember when I read this book I felt overwhelmend but that the overriding feeling of relief and a feeling that I was ‘normal’ for the first time in my life. I could relate to so much and so I recommend it to everyone I know who is adopting/adopted because I felt it helped me feel I wasn’t alone. Of course I did read it in the context of years of therapy, so I was able to discuss my reaction objectively. I even gave a copy to my Mum so she could have a read.
c.b. wrote @ February 2nd, 2010 at 12:04 pm
Re: BOOK:Primal Wound
I laughed when I read that one had been told this book was a ‘cult’ thing.!
Wow, I am always surprised when something actually tells the truth, how the public responds. Primal Wound should be required reading for all perspective adoptive parents. And, I suggest it be passed around the adoptive family to uncles,aunts, and grandparents. Remember, the author was a ‘biological mom’ 1st, with her own child. After adopting her 2nd child, and being a therapist, she noticed that ‘yes, folks,there IS a difference between bonding of biological mothers and adoptive mothers. Not saying it is bad or worse , or better, just that we all need to know there is a DIFFERENCE. Why is that? One major reason is that your adoptive baby does KNOW the biological mother is gone.
Helen wrote @ March 5th, 2010 at 3:13 pm
The book changed my life!
I’m 63 years old and just found out whats been wrong with me all these years.
This thing is real I’ve always known it. It was even more intense in my life because my adoptive parents after being told they could not have childern of their own had one. I was no longer needed or wanted.
it is amazing to me that problems of adopted children could be ignored as they are. i am 61yrs old and knew exactly what she was explaining. no one else opinion will take that away from me.
