From Guest Blogger Tamera Slack, birth mother and adoptee, click here>> for more information on Adoption Mosaic Bloggers.

Don’t refer to our children as “gifts”

Gifts are something you “create or buy” with the intention to give away. Birth Mothers don’t intentionally get pregnant to give children away as “gifts.” Rather, you were given the “gift” of the experience of parenting and entrusted with the honor of caring for, and keeping safe, another mother’s child. A gift passes  ownership of “the thing” from the giver to the receiver.  Children are not “things” to be owned, but rather unique individuals who like all people have ties and connections to family which cannot be severed or transferred, no matter who claims them as their own. Most Birth Mothers would agree that they “gave up” their right to parent, but do not feel they  should have to “give up” their right to know their children, even if that was what we were told we had to do.

Instead you might say, “I am so thankful for the opportunity to experience  parenting and raising a child.”

Do not say “you made the right choice.”

You do not know for sure if a Birth Mother actually felt like she had a choice. Often due to circumstances and the social influences surrounding her, she doesn’t feel she had much of a choice at all. A Birth Mother may have been harassed, threatened or isolated to get her to relinquish, or she may have felt there was no support system to help her. A child is best left with their original mother whenever possible, therefore relinquishing a child is not considered the “right choice,” but “a choice.” Since we do not have the ability to know what might have been, no one will ever know if the “right choice,” for mother or child, was truly made or not.

Instead you might say, “That must have been a really hard thing to do. If you ever need to talk about what happened, I am here for you.”

Don’t say “you, or the child, was better off.”

Again, whenever possible, a child is best left with the mother that created them and with whom they share a biological bond. Their connection to the world begins with their biological mother. We can all agree that every child deserves a safe and loving home, and when this cannot happen within a child’s family of origin, we must provide it for them some other way.  However age, economy and marital status are not automatic reasons for a child to be “better off in another family,” or for a mother not to be able to keep her baby. In fact age, economy and martial status are all variables that can and are changed with time, whereas a biological tie cannot be replaced or substituted.

Instead you might say, “I wonder what your life would have been like had you not had this experience” and then JUST LISTEN.

Don’t say “it’s a good thing you have an open adoption”

Open adoptions are not the cure all for the grief and pain that comes with relinquishing a child.  Although we can agree that “open” is a much better than “closed,” it is still painful for a mother and child to be separated and open adoptions come with a different set of challenges altogether.

Instead you might say, “I bet it is still hard to not be able to parent your child yourself.”

Don’t respond with, “maybe your child does not want to have a relationship with you.”

Often, the only thing a Birth Mother has is “hope.” It may be the only way we get through each day of our lives after relinquishing our children. It is especially hard to hold on to “hope” when reunions are rocky or stagnant. Our biggest fear is that our children will not want to have a relationship with us, or be so hurt by what has happened that they don’t feel they can. Nothing positive can come from reminding  us that this might be the outcome.

Instead you might help us hold onto “hope” by saying, ”I’m sure he/she will come around.”

Don’t remind us “that it may take time” to reconnect with our children.

For most of us, we are all too familiar with the “time” it takes to connect with our children. Those with a closed adoption have most likely had to wait 18 years to even attempt contact with their child. Others may have taken even more “time” to find the emotional energy to attempt this reconnection. When we finally do find that strength it takes every fiber of our being to make that journey. We apologize to all those who feel we seem to be “too pushy,” but when you finally have a chance to be with your baby, patience is a pretty tough thing to practice. Imagine for a moment if you had not been able to talk to, see or touch your own child for 18 years and then tell us if you would be willing to “take more time.” We are intimately aware of the “time” it takes. . .there is not need to remind us.

Instead you might say, “It must be really hard to wait for your child.”

Don’t shut down grief or pain, or say you “know how we feel.”

Relinquishment of a child is an incredibly unique and painful experience. Trying to soothe a Birth Mother by using comparisons to other loses in life will not console, but rather widen the gap and isolation. We know you can’t know what relinquishing a child is like, unless you yourself have gone through this exact experience. The grief, sadness and anger that accompanies it is normal and needs to be let out. We know no one wants to hear the true pain of this experience and that is why we are often left to deal with it alone. Be able to sit, listen and comfort without trying to “fix it,” make comparisons, or shut it down. It is truly a gift when a Birth Mother feels safe enough to begin to tell her story. If you are who she picks to tell it to, you have a unique opportunity to help with her healing by simply listening and giving her love.

Instead you might say, “I have no idea how hard losing a child to adoption must be.  If you want to talk I am here to listen.”

Don’t say “at least you didn’t choose abortion,” or “at least your child’s alive.”

First of all, you don’t know if the woman you are talking to may have had an abortion in addition to relinquishing a child. Abortion is an equally hard and painful choice, discussions of which often lead to arguments of personal, religious and political beliefs rather than offering comfort. Additionally, many of us with closed adoptions have no idea if our relinquished children are alive or not. This is another fear and anxiety we live with until we are able to find out the truth. We don’t know if their adoption experience was a good one, and whether or not they were raised in a loving home, or if instead they were abused and neglected as sometimes happens. It is obvious that we chose life for our relinquished children, so no need to point it out.

Instead you might say, “It must have been really hard to carry a baby full term and then not be able to parent.”

Please, please, please don’t say “everything happens for a reason.”

I have a personal disdain for this statement, but know that there are some Birth Mothers and even Adoptees who find comfort in it. However, since I am writing this particular piece I am going to take liberty and state why I, and other Birth Mothers may not find this statement helpful.

None of us like to feel out of control of situations that occur through life, especially uncomfortable or sad ones. Also, if you are a religious or spiritual person, you may in fact have the belief that things are in being directed by some greater power. Either way, we have a tendency to try and  make “sense” of things by throwing out this comment. This statement is made for the death of a loved one, to the loss of a job, or the adoption of a child and everything in between. I will tell you the reason I lost my son, because I was shamed and felt no support by the people who supposedly cared the most for me. They made a mistake, as many people do with this “situation.” This “mistake” has caused great pain in my life, my child’s life and the lives of many other Birth Mothers who were faced with my same circumstances. Adoption occurs for many reasons, whether it is by “choice,” or “circumstance.” Suggesting there was some “divine plan or fate” that caused the loss is not comforting or healing for the people that were separated. We live in an imperfect world, and sometimes bad and sad things happen. I find greater comfort in knowing that life is sometimes unfair, then feeling that I and my child were in some way “used” to fulfill some “greater plan.” Until you know whether or not the statement above is comforting to the Birth Mother you are speaking with, it is probably best you just not say it.

Instead you might say, “I am so sorry that you suffered this loss in your life.”